Sometimes I can’t sleep and this morning I woke up at 2:15. It seems the middle of the night is when I have my most profound thoughts. At least they feel that way in the middle of the night. I am free to let my mind go where ever it wants to, nothing gets filtered through any unrealistic lenses or by opinions other than my own. I’ve learned that I shouldn’t send any emails in the middle of the night. This morning’s musings were no different as I thought about my goals and my plans and once again came face to face with my fears. I’m not sure why I’m so afraid. I have people who believe in me more than I believe in myself and I really have nothing to lose. A close friend of mine told me that I’m holding myself back and he can’t understand why. That makes two of us.
Some people know what they want from the time they are little. My son is one of those people. He believes he can do anything he wants to do and I’ve never told him otherwise. He’s smart enough to recognize his strengths and weaknesses and sometimes his immediate goals change but he never loses sight of where he’s going. He’s even got backup plans for his backup plan to get himself there. He has a belief that he is capable and he understands the work necessary to accomplish his goals. I’d love to take credit for this but he’s an anomaly in our household. My friend who told me I’m holding myself back is another one of those people. He knows what he wants and then he just works to get there. He says he’s never thought he couldn’t do something that he wanted to do. He’s the one that told me to take not out of my vocabulary because I used it too much. Seems simple enough except that it isn’t.
What is it about working for something out of my comfort zone that scares me? It’s not as though I’ve never failed before so that explanation doesn’t make sense. Is it because I’m afraid I’m really not good enough and I don’t want anyone else to recognize that? Possibly. Maybe it’s because I believe all the night time thoughts that tell me I’m kidding myself by believing I can be more than I am, that my dreams are too big and too unrealistic. That kind of feels like the right answer but only because it feels like it should be the right answer. I don’t know if it really is. I want to look back on my life next year and in five years and in ten years and be able to say that I quit limiting myself. I don’t want to wait for the perfect opportunity, I want to make the perfect opportunity. I want to be one of those people who says if I did it so can you.
I took a break from writing this for a moment and had an enlightening conversation with my son as I was dropping him off at his freshman orientation for high school. I asked him what made him believe that he could do anything he wanted to do. He thought about it for a few minutes and said there was probably some scientific explanation but all he knew was that he never thinks he can’t do something just that there may be some things he has to work around in order to do it. Interesting. Can’t is not in his vocabulary.